Well i haven’t been in here in a while but i figured it was about time i got back to writing some stuff.
I don’t really know if i would say that this entry is about anything in particular as it is mostly random thoughts that enter my mind.
first of, my nickname. Now i haven’t been asked about this in a long time but i remember when i was still a newbie in WoW i was often approached by people and they would always misspell my nickname. Now i don’t think to much about it but i figured i’d straighten some stuff out about it (even though it won’t matter much)
1. The name is not a twisted form for “malice” The “C” is spoken in the same way one would say Cathrine, meaning it sounds like a “K”
2. The name i actually got from WoW after all my other nicknames seemed to be taken. The item name i got it from was a little chrystal that could be mined from veins and where called malachite, which actually is a real thing. Its a copper carbonate crystal and i liked the color green.
3. While i don’t bother much about it, its rather annoying when people keep on saying it wrong. Its spoken as it is written (well except for the “C” which is spoken as a “K”) its not spelled malacite as many do, its not malkite as many do and its not malice as many also do. Get it right, its written letter by letter in the chat and above my head if you got that feature enabled ingame.
However this concludes that.
So what else is there, well its something of a bit more personal nature, which is why i chose to erase all tracks i could find of my real identity on this blog. its not harmful or anything, its just something i feel i need to write. I don’t care who sees it because in the end i know that none who see it here are people i know, and none with half a brain would care either what i write. I don’t want sympathy or pity or anything else of the sort, i just want to write it and get it out of my head which is more often than not why i write. The only reason i do it online is because i feel for some reason that it makes more sense than if i was just to write it in notepad and just delete it after.
So here goes. I have a mental disorder. I suffer from a variety of symptoms both anxiety, depression and even have schizophrenic tendencies. as for how this affects me, well greatly at times, most of the time not at all.
the schizo part is mostly in my mind, its not something anyone else sees as it is mostly ideas that appear that won’t leave me alone, however i can control them, i can tell the difference between reality and fantasy so nothing to worry about. The depression and anxiety however come on a little stronger and often together, one leading to the other.
My anxiety isn’t actually that strong either, but it has its moments where it almost overpowers me if i don’t really really pull myself together. It mostly shows up when i am nervous about something and really just amplifies that feeling to a point where it can go out of control. As for the depression, well it manifests itself best in the form of a headache. It also appears when i keep thinking of something, in this case negative and i end up spiraling down and continuing on the negative thought process.
Why i have these disorders, well i don’t know. They say its a trigger for everything, it can be a memory i have forgotten from when i was a kid or it can be a physical trait of something that shouldn’t be inside my head. Basically my brain slightly malfunctions.
Anyway in the past few years it has been growing a bit stronger, but while i can still manage it, and the negative impulses related to my depression have actually lessened, it doesn’t help much when i keep getting outside influence.
Since i lost one of my sisters some years ago now, i have been feeling slightly out of balance, since then, there are people while i don’t have much connection with them, i have had connections with them whom have experienced the exact same thing; to lose a sibling in a traffic accident.
In my class from junior high we are now 3 people whom have experienced this and its such an odd coincidence that something like this should happen to such a selected group.
none of us deserved to go through this, there are none that ever do and the ones that lost their lives didn’t deserve to die either. All of them where young , the oldest being my sister who was 9 years older than me and they all had full lives ahead of them.
in some ways this helped me get closer to my other sister though, so i have something to be grateful for, i just wish that the circumstances where different.
I always have a lot on my mind. Not a single thing passes me by that i don’t think about if i notice it. If i see a movie in the late evenings i often lie awake thinking of it, but its not limited to movies, it goes for everything.
With this i do end up being rather tired and getting a headache of course. It feels as if my head is being filled with air or something and is about to pop.
Anyway, i just wanted to write this down and get it out of my head which seem to be the only thing that can actually keep some of these impulses back.
